Saying ‘I Do’
#STORYTIME
I remember from the decade of my 20s having prayers revolving around the same subject. One of which centers around relationships and companionship. I petitioned God for chances to experience love and romance. For all of my life, I’ve never been in any romantic relationship. There was one friendship I thought would end in marriage because it pierced through every insecurity I had gathered over time. That, of course, faded when I was given a clear directive from the Lord Jesus, which was “Don’t focus on a man, focus on Me.” I did just that, and the life I thought would be, became like vapor.
The truth is, I spent many years in despair. I was always crying, becoming hopeless year after year. Disappointed because those relationship prayers weren’t being answered. The more I prayed, the more hidden and alone I felt. Until one day, after crying in the living room when no one was home, the Holy Spirit got my attention. Over a course of time, the Holy Spirit began exposing what’s behind the sadness. My world felt quiet, and I thought a relationship could bring emotional closeness and security. I figured if I were in a relationship, it would grant self-worth and a deep human connection. Boredom and isolation wouldn’t be a thing. I would have someone to talk to all the time. This person would get me and make my social life easier. Life would somehow be satisfying, and it would cancel the silent noise of being alone.
The hard pill to swallow was this: a relationship was never going to resolve my internal battles with low self-esteem, feelings of rejection, enforced isolation, or erase the overwhelming feeling of missing out. I could point fingers at societal beauty standards that overlook plus-size girlies as the “ideal” choice, leading to a lack of meaningful relationships. I could also say societal dating norms, teachings from church culture regarding dating and marriage, and the observations of other people's relationships surrounding me were reasons for never dating. It may have been my tendency to stay indoors and avoid going out, along with numerous other reasons, for my single status. Yet, one truth remains: only Jesus fills voids.
So imagine me, full of my tears and despair because I desire companionship, love, romance, and as I got older, marriage and family life, turned me right into correction. Initially, I wasn’t shown a husband, a man to date, or where to go to meet guys. I wasn’t given a five-year plan or even an opportunity to be like everyone else, outside coupling. The Holy Spirit got my attention to show me, Kevonna! He showed me a woman who is full a despair and how she doesn’t know what she’s asking for. He showed me a woman with childhood and teenage trauma, who’s in desperate need of emotional healing. He showed me the woman with a pure heart who would get taken advantage of when Jesus starts unfolding and revealing her gifting and calling. I was shown how much I wasn’t ready for what I was desperately asking for. There were too many things to say goodbye to before I could ever utter the words ‘I Do’.
‘Goodbye’ before ‘I Do’
Before ever addressing the “who” (Let me be clear, the Lord’s “Who” because I definitely had in mind WHOM I thought I was going to marry, and He was not the Lord’s choice), the Lord Jesus had to address me first. I had perspectives on relationships that dismissed why God mandated companionship in the first place. Alonside that, He taught me the principles of covenant, partnership, dominion, and His original intent for marriage, which completely pierce motives that are unhealthy, selfish, and misguided.
I had to say a good goodbye to this idea that a man’s pursuit of me made me valuable, or at least worthy to be chosen or “found”. This idea that if I lost the weight, went to this prestigious Ivy League school called Columbia University, received my PHD, became known for being one of the greatest professors to teach theology at a private university, with students lining up to take my courses, it would somehow make me a valuable asset, worthy enough, to be an ideal candiate for marriage. I had to say goodbye to a life that was being created through the lens of trauma and low self-esteem. Goodbye meant trading the life I was creating for myself for the one Jesus was offering. Which meant saying ‘I Do’ was far beyond the purpose of personal needs being met.
‘Yes’ before ‘I Do’
On the last day of March, in 2025, I said ‘I Do.’ (YASSSSSSS!!) Although this "I Do" may represent a fulfilled prayer and showcases God's faithfulness to both my husband and me, it undoubtedly carries a "Yes" that came with sacrifice, brokenness, humility, and a surrender to the Lord Jesus, which only He gets credit for. During the dating phase of our relationship, the Lord started uprooting our ideals of what we individually thought relationships were and replaced them with what He wanted. This meant getting acquainted with what He desires out of the relationship, learning the spiritual implications of a covenant, and being introduced to the calling, purpose, and ministry of our lives.
What happens when the Lord wants your ‘I Do’ to be rooted in His plan, pleasure, and purpose? That ‘I Do’ is not to have the perfect wedding day, to pierce loneliness, or gain acceptance, but rather an opportunity for Him to do something great in the Earth by way of putting two people together and using their marriage for His glory. When He shows you relationships and marriages are not only for companionship and human connection, but they’re just as spiritual, as it is natural. Where He, too, still desires to be a part of this splendor, He created, called marriage. In essence, a “yes” to the Holy Spirit was crucial before saying ‘I Do’ to Simeon.
To the Reader
From the decade of my twenties, all I wanted was marriage, children, and an amazing career. My prayers were for God to grant them and bless everything I do in life. He is. Slowly revealing, from His point of view, from His will on what that looks like. My husband and I saying ‘I Do’ to each other was a gift. We both were offered an opportunity to do life with Jesus, according to His plans, not ours. That, to me, ladies, is security and comfort.
Of course, we have to do the work; two worlds are bridging to become one. The reality of two people and their childhood traumas, backgrounds, perceptions/beliefs, pride, survival habits, insecurities, and whatever “stuff” that person may carry is very well present. It’s a continual, intentional journey of building life at every phase of life. But the benefits of living life with this man are completely worth it. I get to develop companionship AND do a partnership with God through our marriage. Not to mention, my husband is a gem! He commits himself before God on a daily basis. His leadership, prayer life, and servitude are dedicated to his love for Jesus. He expresses his love and appreciation for our marriage. He’s a man of integrity and an absolute pleasure to be around. (That’s my honey 🥰).
I will admit this ﹣the process of ‘I Do’ is worth the refinement. It keeps you centered on what’s important and keeps your purpose and affirmations grounded in Christ Jesus. Whatever you are saying ‘I Do’ to. Be it marriage, dating, children, a career path, school, business, coming into a relationship with Jesus, or simply admitting you need peace, I pray that the Holy Spirit meets every need and petition you may have on your heart. I pray for the totality of your womanhood. I pray you receive clarity for cluttered ideas, thoughts that need answers. I pray for your sanity and any heaviness you may feel. May the Lord Jesus break any bondage through agreements known and unknown. That every decision is made includes the point of view of Jesus Christ
Let it be known, you are seen. You are heard. You are loved. May the Lord Jesus show you your next step in your journey through life. ﹣Amen.
Love, Kevonna 🌻
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