Cast the Root
#STORYTIME
In my early twenties, being single was often accompanied by tears and a sense of despair. My nights, as well as my daydreams, were filled with disappointment, discouragement, and unmet expectations around this matter. During this period, I held the belief that no one was interested in dating me, largely due to the absence of pursuit that I experienced. Whenever I held conversations about my feelings of being single, I always received responses such as:
"What's the problem with not being pursued?"
"Stay single. You aren't missing anything."
"Stay focused on school. You don't need any distractions."
Last but not least, which is the all-time favorite, "Wait on the Lord. There's no rush; God has something good for you. "
AND HE DID, but those responses failed to address the root of my tears and despair. What I've come to realize is that when we reflect on our experiences, we tend to amplify the aspects of our situations that are impacting us. We become so fixated on the situation that we neglect—or pay little attention to—the underlying root. Consequently, when we try to adhere to the scriptures about casting our cares onto the Lord, we may surrender the situation to God while still clinging to the root of our problems. For example, I would consistently dedicate my singleness to God, yet I would still hold onto the feeling that my yearning for companionship remains unfulfilled. To keep it transparent, I often suppress feelings of loneliness and cling to the insecurities of being a plus-size girlie.
Releasing my feelings of disappointment, discouragement, and unmet expectations by focusing on school or avoiding distractions had minimal success. Attempting to mask an unfulfilled desire with busyness proved to be counterproductive. This was especially true since I hadn't addressed the underlying reasons behind why this desire is causing so many raging emotions. The release was good for a short time until I experienced similar situations that triggered the very thing I was suppressing. Each time I noticed feeling left out while others were with their boyfriends, I felt triggered. Similarly, whenever I was out with friends and guys approached them, my unaddressed insecurities resurfaced. The reality is that to truly cast my cares, I needed to confront the root of my triggers. This meant allowing the Lord to expose and reveal the unhealthy perspectives I held about desiring a relationship and the insecurities that accompanied it. In my early twenties, I wasn't prepared for such honest conversations with God.
Oftentimes, when we think about the burdens of our experiences, it can feel quite overwhelming. Carrying around the heaviness of unspoken disappointment from career transitions, financial hardships, relationships, weight gain or loss is exhausting. Furthermore, carrying hurt that has not been validated or vindicated by God, or acknowledged by the offender, or the possible hurt that has not been heard, becomes emotionally draining. However, when these burdens don't get reconciled with God, they become cemented into our souls, and therefore, we learn how to cope from a broken soul. The thing is, whenever we don't cast the root of our impact, it hinders us from showing up whole. Especially into the places God called us to be in. No one, not even ourselves, gets the holistic version of who God needs us to be on Earth. We must understand that without casting the root, we'll move around in life from a place with no hope or from a place of survival.
Ladies, that's not the kind of life that we are meant to embrace.
The Lord has given us the strength and the ability to be incredible people who do incredible things for His glory on the Earth. Which means, He needs us to be free in Him and not have enmity with the plans He has concerning us. The roots we are unwilling to cast will be the very same roots coming against the plans of the Lord. There is a version of us that the Lord seeks after, which causes spaces and environments to demand our presence. As long as we carry the root of our anguish, our disappointments, our sadness, or even past failures, we'll be caught up in triggered cycles instead of continuous healing.
TO THE READER
For me, I had to choose to have hard conversations with God. Those conversations weren't easy, but they allowed me to see how I thought and how my perspectives were so broken. I rehearsed this narrative about guys not liking me because I was a plus-sized girl. I used that as leverage to not deal with my insecurities. The truth is, it was hardly about a pursuit; my insecurities dictated a narrative to keep me from acknowledging that my insecurities were the problem. A greater truth was that I needed saving from myself. I needed Jesus to uproot what I allowed to become cemented into the depths of my soul. I needed my soul to be restored.
If casting the root of my impact taught me anything, it was that hard-honest conversations with God will always reveal the truth. I, Kevonna, needed something far more than the feeling of fitting in because everyone around me was in a relationship. I needed something far more than feeling like a relationship would fill the silence I hated sitting in. Looking back, those seasons of isolation when I entered into this space of making God the center of my life, God had to teach me His POV about life, and that became my saving grace.
I say to you, if there is a situation or a season you keep giving to the Lord, I pray this time around you cast the root to Him. May the season that comes from casting the root of your cares be your saving grace, too! May the Lord keep you, make His face shine upon you, and give you peace.
Love, Kevonna 🌻
For similar readings, read blogs:
Saying ‘I Do’
The Secret Place
Hidden Years
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